I am going to attempt to recap the last how many ever days...they are kind of running together:
Monday, January 9th: Barry and I enjoyed time together on my last day home without a daughter. It was strange to think that the next time I walked into our home, we'd be 3. We left for the airport around 4 and it was EMPTY. We had Qdoba for dinner and I cried as I even thought about saying goodbye. I hugged and kissed Barry and then walked through security. The lady that checked my documents gave me some tissues and I told her and the 2 other employees that I'm leaving for a long time and we're adopting and I just can't stop crying. They congratulated me on the adoption and I was through. After many more tears and a few phone calls I boarded the plane. I cried almost all the way to DC.
In DC I called Barry and told him that I wasn't getting on the flight, that I just couldn't do this by myself. He told me to talk to the lady at the gate about pricing and then make the decision. It was up to me completely if I got on or not. I spoke with the woman who said it would be lots of money to change the ticket, and I knew it wasn't smart, because I'd have to leave a few days later by myself anyway because of Barry's visa. (It wouldn't have been ready in time). So, I knew I had to get on that plane. I cried and cried and told Barry I loved him a bazillion times.
That flight was 6 and a half hours long. Thankful I was able to gain composure and tried to look at all the Lord was going to show me and teach me during this trial. I was able to sleep for about 3 hours because I shared a row of 5 with only one other woman. At one point I was adjusting my pillows and accidentally touched her head. We both had the idea to lay down. :)
I arrived in London and had to go through security again. I had a mini-DVD player in my luggage and it was suspect. It had to be run through the machines a few times. I ate part of a sandwich I had packed for breakfast in London (at 6am) because I wasn't going to pay in Euros for a sandwich and have my credit card charged, etc. I boarded the plane for Moscow as the ONLY American. Father Frost (the Russian Santa) was standing on the jetbridge and welcomed us on the flight. I sat down and right before take off water dripped on my head. I was slightly freaked out...but it turned out fine. I was in an exit row (yay more leg room) and there was an empty seat between me and the woman in my row. I was by a window. They came around with drinks, and I thought I was getting apple juice...but it was some sort of bubbly champagne or something that was HORRIBLE! The lady in my row said her drink smelled like meatballs. I next tried water...it also tasted HORRIBLE. So, I ate some more of my sandwich with nothing to drink.
After landing in Moscow, going through passport control, finding my bag (which I thought was lost), and herding through customs with 8 bazillion other people, I arrived to find my sweet friend Ksusha waiting for me. She rode in the taxi all the way from Vladimir so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Such a blessing.
We talked and rode for a little over 3 hours. Our taxi driver talked her ear off and I slept for maybe 30 minutes. I arrived at the flat to find it just as Barry and I left it a few weeks ago. I said goodbye to Ksusha and immediately was crying again. I remembered that I could email on my kindle, so I sent Barry and email. I began praying continually for God to comfort me. I took the little stuffed bear out that we brought for Sveta and curled up in bed holding on to it tightly. After taking a pm and waiting for almost 45 minutes I fell asleep around 3am. (Tuesday, January 10th was spent traveling...and I'm not sure when it stopped being Monday and started being Tuesday, so it's all together)
Wednesday, January 11th: I slept until 1pm.
I woke up to no electricity. Which meant I couldn't get the internet set up in my apartment on Wednesday. I found 2 candles, lit them, and showered by candle light. I cried some more when I was done thinking how Barry would find such adventure in this, and I just don't think it's fun at ALL. I watched an episode of Parenthood on my DVD player I brought, and then went to the boys' flat (with the team here). My hair was still wet, so I put it in a ponytail, layered up, and rode the bus to their place. I was able to send a few emails and skype with Barry. My poor husband had to see me cry again. I was so great to talk to him and see him. Right after we talked the girls (with the team here) came to get me. We walked to their flat where they made stuffed peppers (delicious) for dinner, we had warm pear juice with cinammon, s'mores, and played a game. It was so nice to be with them. Sooo nice. The team has been an incredible blessing. I wouldn't be able to be here without them!! Megan rode the bus with me home to make sure I had power. I did. I took a pm, watched more Parenthood and then went to sleep without tears around 11:30pm - success.
Thursday, January 12th:
2am - I wake up. I lay there trying to not move so I'll just fall asleep again. I can't sleep. I pray: for Barry, for Sveta, for myself, for the team, for family and friends, for EVERYTHING I could think of. Nothing, no sleep. I pop another pm. I type an email on my ipod to Barry, which will send later. I decide that I actually cannot do this on my own, and I really want him here. I cry. I cry. I cry.
Finally around 4am I fall asleep again. And sleep until my phone rings at around 11:45am. It's Frenchy (that's not his real name, but it's what I've always called him, and he's on the team here). He says that we can hook up the router, but he needs me to do a few things. Great!!! Except, I have no power AGAIN. So, I give him some information and decide to throw on clothes and head to the girls' flat. I ate a pop tart when I woke up (because I couldn't make oatmeal since I didn't have electricity) and I haven't been to the store yet. I got to the girls flat just in time for lunch (left over stuffed pepper casserole kind of thing - yummy). They left to go visit an orphanage, and I decided not to go. It is strange, but I wanted to just be able to type a blog, skype with Barry, and not have to pretend to be in a great mood.
Cause, here's the honest truth: this is really really hard. I know that God has a plan. I know that He's watching out for me. I know that He's in control...and I know that 10 days of being without Barry won't kill me.
But it does make me pretty miserable. And I know that some of you are laughing, or thinking I'm nuts for saying that. Some of you would LOVE to be away for 10 days. I get that...but it's not me. I'd rather be with Barry living normal life than galavanting around Russia. I'd rather be ANYWHERE as long as I was with him. You may say, "oh your still newlyweds, that will change," but honestly, I hope it never does. Is it so wrong that I want Barry with me? Is it so wrong that I don't want to do this without him. I get that I'm not alone. I get that God is with me (I see Him all over). I get that there are incredible people here (and I'm thankful)...but I still want and need Barry to walk with me through this.
I go through moments where I decide that I'll be fine, and I'll just suck it up...the "I can do it" attitude comes out. And then I realize that even if I "can," maybe I don't have to. Maybe it is ok to be honest and to say that I want him here earlier, that I need that for my own emotional health.
We will decide soon if Barry is going to come early. Pray for us to have wisdom, and for me to really be honest with what I feel I can do. Pray that my pride doesn't take over and lie that I can, when in my humility it would be ok to say "I can't." And also pray that in my emotional state I don't say "I can't" when really I am just emotional. Pray that God would just make it really clear as to what we are to do.
I'll post more tomorrow hopefully. I get to go with V and apply for documents, and Sveta's passport. I will also get to see Sveta for a little bit. Please pray for this time as well, and that we have a better understanding of when Sveta's passport will be back to us!!
Monday, January 9th: Barry and I enjoyed time together on my last day home without a daughter. It was strange to think that the next time I walked into our home, we'd be 3. We left for the airport around 4 and it was EMPTY. We had Qdoba for dinner and I cried as I even thought about saying goodbye. I hugged and kissed Barry and then walked through security. The lady that checked my documents gave me some tissues and I told her and the 2 other employees that I'm leaving for a long time and we're adopting and I just can't stop crying. They congratulated me on the adoption and I was through. After many more tears and a few phone calls I boarded the plane. I cried almost all the way to DC.
In DC I called Barry and told him that I wasn't getting on the flight, that I just couldn't do this by myself. He told me to talk to the lady at the gate about pricing and then make the decision. It was up to me completely if I got on or not. I spoke with the woman who said it would be lots of money to change the ticket, and I knew it wasn't smart, because I'd have to leave a few days later by myself anyway because of Barry's visa. (It wouldn't have been ready in time). So, I knew I had to get on that plane. I cried and cried and told Barry I loved him a bazillion times.
That flight was 6 and a half hours long. Thankful I was able to gain composure and tried to look at all the Lord was going to show me and teach me during this trial. I was able to sleep for about 3 hours because I shared a row of 5 with only one other woman. At one point I was adjusting my pillows and accidentally touched her head. We both had the idea to lay down. :)
I arrived in London and had to go through security again. I had a mini-DVD player in my luggage and it was suspect. It had to be run through the machines a few times. I ate part of a sandwich I had packed for breakfast in London (at 6am) because I wasn't going to pay in Euros for a sandwich and have my credit card charged, etc. I boarded the plane for Moscow as the ONLY American. Father Frost (the Russian Santa) was standing on the jetbridge and welcomed us on the flight. I sat down and right before take off water dripped on my head. I was slightly freaked out...but it turned out fine. I was in an exit row (yay more leg room) and there was an empty seat between me and the woman in my row. I was by a window. They came around with drinks, and I thought I was getting apple juice...but it was some sort of bubbly champagne or something that was HORRIBLE! The lady in my row said her drink smelled like meatballs. I next tried water...it also tasted HORRIBLE. So, I ate some more of my sandwich with nothing to drink.
After landing in Moscow, going through passport control, finding my bag (which I thought was lost), and herding through customs with 8 bazillion other people, I arrived to find my sweet friend Ksusha waiting for me. She rode in the taxi all the way from Vladimir so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Such a blessing.
We talked and rode for a little over 3 hours. Our taxi driver talked her ear off and I slept for maybe 30 minutes. I arrived at the flat to find it just as Barry and I left it a few weeks ago. I said goodbye to Ksusha and immediately was crying again. I remembered that I could email on my kindle, so I sent Barry and email. I began praying continually for God to comfort me. I took the little stuffed bear out that we brought for Sveta and curled up in bed holding on to it tightly. After taking a pm and waiting for almost 45 minutes I fell asleep around 3am. (Tuesday, January 10th was spent traveling...and I'm not sure when it stopped being Monday and started being Tuesday, so it's all together)
Wednesday, January 11th: I slept until 1pm.
I woke up to no electricity. Which meant I couldn't get the internet set up in my apartment on Wednesday. I found 2 candles, lit them, and showered by candle light. I cried some more when I was done thinking how Barry would find such adventure in this, and I just don't think it's fun at ALL. I watched an episode of Parenthood on my DVD player I brought, and then went to the boys' flat (with the team here). My hair was still wet, so I put it in a ponytail, layered up, and rode the bus to their place. I was able to send a few emails and skype with Barry. My poor husband had to see me cry again. I was so great to talk to him and see him. Right after we talked the girls (with the team here) came to get me. We walked to their flat where they made stuffed peppers (delicious) for dinner, we had warm pear juice with cinammon, s'mores, and played a game. It was so nice to be with them. Sooo nice. The team has been an incredible blessing. I wouldn't be able to be here without them!! Megan rode the bus with me home to make sure I had power. I did. I took a pm, watched more Parenthood and then went to sleep without tears around 11:30pm - success.
Thursday, January 12th:
2am - I wake up. I lay there trying to not move so I'll just fall asleep again. I can't sleep. I pray: for Barry, for Sveta, for myself, for the team, for family and friends, for EVERYTHING I could think of. Nothing, no sleep. I pop another pm. I type an email on my ipod to Barry, which will send later. I decide that I actually cannot do this on my own, and I really want him here. I cry. I cry. I cry.
Finally around 4am I fall asleep again. And sleep until my phone rings at around 11:45am. It's Frenchy (that's not his real name, but it's what I've always called him, and he's on the team here). He says that we can hook up the router, but he needs me to do a few things. Great!!! Except, I have no power AGAIN. So, I give him some information and decide to throw on clothes and head to the girls' flat. I ate a pop tart when I woke up (because I couldn't make oatmeal since I didn't have electricity) and I haven't been to the store yet. I got to the girls flat just in time for lunch (left over stuffed pepper casserole kind of thing - yummy). They left to go visit an orphanage, and I decided not to go. It is strange, but I wanted to just be able to type a blog, skype with Barry, and not have to pretend to be in a great mood.
Cause, here's the honest truth: this is really really hard. I know that God has a plan. I know that He's watching out for me. I know that He's in control...and I know that 10 days of being without Barry won't kill me.
But it does make me pretty miserable. And I know that some of you are laughing, or thinking I'm nuts for saying that. Some of you would LOVE to be away for 10 days. I get that...but it's not me. I'd rather be with Barry living normal life than galavanting around Russia. I'd rather be ANYWHERE as long as I was with him. You may say, "oh your still newlyweds, that will change," but honestly, I hope it never does. Is it so wrong that I want Barry with me? Is it so wrong that I don't want to do this without him. I get that I'm not alone. I get that God is with me (I see Him all over). I get that there are incredible people here (and I'm thankful)...but I still want and need Barry to walk with me through this.
I go through moments where I decide that I'll be fine, and I'll just suck it up...the "I can do it" attitude comes out. And then I realize that even if I "can," maybe I don't have to. Maybe it is ok to be honest and to say that I want him here earlier, that I need that for my own emotional health.
We will decide soon if Barry is going to come early. Pray for us to have wisdom, and for me to really be honest with what I feel I can do. Pray that my pride doesn't take over and lie that I can, when in my humility it would be ok to say "I can't." And also pray that in my emotional state I don't say "I can't" when really I am just emotional. Pray that God would just make it really clear as to what we are to do.
I'll post more tomorrow hopefully. I get to go with V and apply for documents, and Sveta's passport. I will also get to see Sveta for a little bit. Please pray for this time as well, and that we have a better understanding of when Sveta's passport will be back to us!!
Honey, I am just praying, praying, praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I want to tell you is that you're not being overly emotional or silly. As I said before, I've never been away from your mom more than a few days and even that was hard. It doesn't matter if you are newlyweds or not. I still have those same feelings after 20 years of marriage. I will not trifle with statements like "Barry will be there soon". That doesn't help. I fully understand how difficult this must be. I will not trivialize it. This is just plain hard. The only thing that will help you is when you are reunited with Barry. I love you very much, Peach.
Oh Jessi we are definitely praying for you. Your entry made me cry a little! I don't think I would want to be away from my husband for so long. You're being so brave already but there is no shame in having Barry come early!! I wouldn't want to do what you're doing without Dan by my side (probably why I teared up reading this). Just get him there ASAP so you can hug him and kiss him and bring your beautiful daughter home!!!
ReplyDeleteJessi, I have been 20 years now and yes I look forward to time to myself but never to time apart. When my Barry goes on trips I miss him so and want us to be together. I believe that is the way God wants us to be. When we marry we become one and when we are apart it is like someone is pulling us. I completely understand your desire to be with Barry and to share this whole experience. I pray that you are together soon. 1,2 and then 3. Love you
ReplyDeleteDear Jessie,
ReplyDeletePraying for you. I completely understand your need to be with Barry. Dyar and I have been married 15 years and the thought of being away from my best friend for even a day or two does not sound good. Take heart and rejoice that this isn't a newlywed thing or a bad thing. God has given you the blessing of a beautiful relationship. I will say that seeing Sveta will ease your loneliness(my kids always do). Search inside you for that mommy strength and know that you are not alone and God and our prayers are with you. I am so proud of you. How very brave you are. Oh, and FYI...waking up to no power would make me cry too! =) <3 from the Soendlins!
I understand how much u miss Barry I would be the same way . I don't like to do anything without chad and we have been together. over15 years . Keep your head up . The Morgan family is praying for you and is thinkin of you. .
ReplyDeleteJesse,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing fine...No you are not a baby to want your best buddy with you. You are a family now and you are all divided. I hate to even go to the grocery store alone so I understand totally.
I also know that feeling of "I know your there Lord but I can't help praying your socks off."
Love you girl, hang in there, we're all praying and I hope you feel this great big hug I'm sending...
Jesse,
ReplyDeleteI think it is perfectly natural for you to miss Barry! Those who truly are in love with their spouse would understand! Just know that you both are loved and we are saying lots of your prayers for all three of you! May you find strength in the mulitudes of friends and family who are here for you! God Bless you on this journey to become 3!! We love you, The Campbell's Alan, Sheri, Blake, and Trent
I will pray for God to give you peace and wisdom in your decision. I can honestly say I could not do it alone. I too have faith that you are not truly alone. God is with you but it is still a difficult situation. This process is incredibly stressful on top of the fact you are in a foreign country. Lots of prayers for all of you.
ReplyDelete