Sadly, I don't even know where to begin.  I don't know what to write about...or how to be transparent today.  I feel like I'm in a cloud...and one that's full of rain and ready to just let it all fall.  Ever feel like that?

Griffen (Sveta) is beside me watching a VeggieTales before she naps. This morning she's crawled everywhere, and corrected me everytime I've called her Sveta.  She isn't Sveta.  Sveta is outside chained up in her dog house...and with me inside is Griffen.  Griffen constantly informs me of what I'm supposed to say or do (in reference to himself):  sit, lay down, wash, treat, food, water, out of the kitchen, etc. 
Mama does NOT like this game.  I've tried to explain that Griffen actually gets ignored alot, he sleeps most of the day, and he doesn't get to tell Mama what to do.  Sveta however LOVES this game and attempts to play it at every free moment. 

Don't get me wrong, I like that she's pretending.  I just want her to pretend to be a butterfly, or princess, or anything but Griffen.  I'm sick of two whiny dogs.

But, I will keep kind of playing, because she needs be to be engaged with her.  She never was able to choose what to play with, or what to play.  Never had the opportunity to be creative.

7 weeks.  7 weeks, and I've forgotten already.  I've forgotten where she's been...what she's been through...and I've begun to expect her to be adjusted and fabulous all the time.  Sometimes I have to stop and marvel at all we've come through.  Marvel at what God has done.  Marvel at what He's doing.  And marvel at the fact that He's not done yet...He'll keep working.
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Do you ever feel like you just have too many things that are pulling you in too many directions?  How do you decide which of the good things are the things that you do?  Really, answer that!  Someone. I can't figure it out.  There are so many good things that I am/could be a part of, and yet some of the things that I really desire to be part of or to start never have the time to get done.  Why is that?

That's all you get on this Wednesday.  This Wednesday just happens to have my brain full of all sorts of thoughts that I can't put on paper yet.  Trust me, I've tried.  It's not working.

Unashamed.

That's my goal. To be unashamed. Is that even a word? It is now. I want to be the opposite of ashamed...which I guess is unashamed.

My heart is deceitful above all else. (So is yours, my friend). The Bible states that pretty clearly.

And...we are asked to proclaim that "Jesus is LORD." Well, my deceitful heart thought that I was proclaiming that HE is LORD. Yesterday (thank you, Barry) I was convicted through my husband's sermon (hearing it twice) that I say with my lips that He is Lord, but I don't show it with my actions.

Guess what that makes me? A hypocrite.

Oh, how I hate hypocrites. I didn't think I was one anymore...I was at least working on it and getting better, because::

I was dealing with my hypocracy and was getting rid of the excess in my life...
I followed Jesus and did what I shout about: adopted...
I honestly blog about my flaws and how God is teaching me...

I can't be a hypocrite.

Oh, but I am.

I live in some areas of my life making my own decisions...completely. And yet I pray to be a light. Then when presented with the opportunity I actually revel in my darkness and justify it.

Horrific. Shameful. SINful.

So, here goes friends: I'm sinful. And I'm the lord of the room in my life called "family." I want to protect my heart. I want to avoid situations that make me feel akward and unknown. I want to live in my darkness and pretend that the "Decker" side of my genes came from space and their aren't really people attached to it. Stupid, I know.

But, yesterday, I told Jesus He could be the Lord in this area, too (even though I don't really like this idea). He's asked me to be obedient. And here I go. I should have done this a LONG time ago. Because, my father's side of the family knows that I believe in Jesus. But they've only watched me live my life as the lord of it.

Family, forgive me. Forgive me for being a hypocrite. For not living what I believe, and for ignoring you and treating you unkindly. Forgive me for putting myself first and not allowing my God to heal, change, and restore me...or my relationships with you.

I'm unashamed. Unashamed to live my life off the throne. Jesus is on it. And there's not room for me there.

P.S. - Sveta's prayer tonight: "Thank you God. Thank you Mama. Thank you Papa. Thank you Griffen.Thank you church. Thank you bolshoi Walmart.  etc... I love you, Amen"

Oh...and, Barry quizzed her on her capital letters in the bathtub. She's up to 23.  Yeah, that's right. She's a genius.

The American Dream...and Pampered Chef stuff

Life around here is better simply because of all the sunshine.  I know it puts me in a GREAT mood...or at least a better one than I'd be in without it.  It's been neat to watch Sveta wear shorts for the first time, and refuse to wear shoes/sandals without socks.  Seriously have to work on that.  :) 

We've been busy going to the different parks to "swing slide" around town, and I've been on a clean it out and purge all the stuff we don't need!  Barry and I are planning on having a yard sale the weekend after Easter to get rid of some of our excess.  As I was praying and journaling Friday morning, I kept trying to figure out what to do and how to make a difference.  All of my ideas were long term and nothing I could really start on at the moment.  Then it hit me - God was asking me to move now, and He'd provided a way to do so.  Use the stuff we have to make a difference in someone else's life.  We had planned on doing a yard sale and giving the proceeds away at some point...but I started Friday morning with the purging. 

204 items of clothing (not including under clothing) in my possession as of Friday morning.
108 items of clothing currently in the give/sell pile. 
96 items left.  That's still a LOT.  And, I wish I would have taken pictures...but I didn't.

Then it was on to the books, Sveta's clothes, and my kitchen stuff.  I'm still not done with the kitchen, but I'm paring down for sure.  I don't really NEED all of this.  At ALL.

My desire for Sveta is not the "American Dream." It's actually far from it.  It isn't specific, but it includes serving Jesus wholeheartedly and without reserve...RADICALLY.  But, guess what, if I'm not serving Him radically...she won't learn to.  So, I'm starting...giving away half of my clothes and shoes and SCARVES (the hardest to part with) is a start.  So that hopefully Sveta will learn that it is important to give as much (if not more) away as we keep. 

And is she learning.  Today, Barry is traveling to town close by to help with tornado clean up.  He explained to Sveta before he left that he was going to help people that wanted and needed it.  She kept saying, "Sveta help people."  So, after nap...we are going to go down and let her see what it looks like for her Papa to help people.  People he hasn't met until today...but people who God made, and who have need.  He's attempting to meet a tangible need.  And He's doing it because God says to.

I'm praying for my eyes to be opened to needs around me.  And for my faith to be active in meeting those needs. 

Love you all.
P.S. - If you have ideas of an organization, or group, or how we could use the funds from our garage sale...I'd love to hear about NEEDS.  We haven't decided what to do with it yet, and plan on deciding soon.
P.S.S. - Sveta can recognize 14 capital letters.  Pretty sure she's a genius...and yet, no one in her home country gave her the time of day.  Something wrong with this picture? 

I wonder how many geniuses we have in our country that we don't give the time of day?  Maybe the guy on the corner holding a cardboard sign?  Maybe the lady covered in tattoos walking through the groceries store that we shy away from?  Maybe the child who picks on others, and has switched foster homes 15 times because he can't seem to be nice? 

Who have you overlooked today?  They have needs.  Will you meet one?

Oh, yeah...and here's what I'm getting rid of from Pampered Chef.  Let me know if you want to buy it before it goes at the yard sale::

USED:: 50% off or so...
Mandolin $30
29 Minutes to Dinner Volume 2 $7
Manual Food Processor $25
Petite Bamboo Spoons (2) $2.25
Nylon masher $3
Bamboo spoon $2
Medium Square Bamboo Bowl $10
Petite bamboo bowls (3) $10
Bamboo Cracker Tray $8
Crinkle cutter $5
Ridged Baker (stoneware) $15
Small Micro-Cooker $4

NEW:: 25% off or so...
Bar Tongs $4
Pie Crust Shield $5.50
Easy Accent Decorator $17
Easy Read Measuring Cups $17
Small Batter Bowl $8
Muffin Pan (stoneware) $27
Trifle Bowl $29.50

Wednesdays

I'm going to try to post a blog at least every Wednesday during nap time.

Yesterday = 1st fail.

Well, it's Thursday, and I'll write today.

Sveta is doing extremely well!!! Last week was crazy: strep throat, hand-foot-and-mouth disease, Papa was away at a retreat on Friday night, 3 hour doctors appointment at Riley, having her blodd drawn, etc. Sveta struggled a few times at nap night and other times last week because of not feeling well and just missing Papa. We made it through though. She's learning English so so so so so quickly and she's doing great. Things she's said:
1. brownies or candy. which one? (while holding up 2 fingers like I normally do...this was when I asked her what she wanted for lunch)
2. no thank you, maybe zaftra (tomorrow)
3. Let's go.
4. Go get 'um.
5. Animals and their sounds:LOTS...not going to try to name them.
6. She prayed over lunch this week all by herself. Priceless.
7. When you ask her why mama and papa love her she responds, "God."
8. booteeful = beautiful
9. She recognizes the following letters: a, e, F, H, I, O, o, S, s, T, t, v, V, W, w. And she spells her name when asked...or sometimes just randomly.
10. She says, "I love you" or "I lu ew" to almost everyone. Including pharmacists at Walgreens (thankfully we know them).

She's responding great to both Barry and I...and will spontaneously hug or call out for both of us. It's amazing. She's ours and we are hers. We love her dearly.

Let me go back to something I mentioned earlier:Riley Hospital. Sveta is under the care of an International Adoption Doctor and we are having several tests done to see what vaccines and such she will need.

On to what I really wanted to mention today: Church. We have been attending our church's Batesville campus for the past several weeks and are grateful to have had the time together there. We will most likely be attending in Greensburg in the coming weeks depending on how Sveta is doing. If you see us in church (or even at Walmart) PLEASE use the following as a guideline:

1. WAVE. Sveta is still learning the difference between friend and fo, and a simple wave is a kind gesture.
2. Don't approach us if we look overwhelmed, are talking to 82 other people, or if Sveta seems to be curled up trying to avoid looking at people. It's not that we don't want to see you...it's that Sveta gets overwhelmed easily, and honestly, so does her mama right now. She was used to 3-4 rooms and a handful of caregivers...she was not used to large buildings, riding in cars, meeting new people, screens with words and pictures moving, or lots of people in one place. Please respect all of the changes she gone through.
3. PLEASE DO NOT touch her. Again, we are trying to teach her that she doesn't have to dole out affection to adults to keep them around. She is loved by us no matter what...and she doesn't have to hug and kiss and try to impress people at all. When she is ready, she will come to you. Maybe.
4. If she doesn't say hi to you, or even look at you...don't be hurt. Sometimes she doesn't look at me, or want to talk to me.
5. If I'm hiding in the corner of the church, or a dark room...it's for a good reason:Sveta needs a break from people. And, yes, that means you. Whoever you are. Unless you are Barry Morton.

I know I've said these things before, but this is just a reminder. I don't want to sound harsh at all...but I'm learning a great deal about living for the Lord instead of to please people. I want you all to know and see Sveta, and I want her to have the joy of knowing you all like I do...but mostly - I want Sveta to understand that Barry and I aren't going anywhere...and that we can love her because of our God. I want her to know HIM.

THANKS to all of you who've provided meals for our family. It has blessed us TREMENDOUSLY!!

Jessi

Quick update::

I'm still being rocked by Jet Hatmaker's book.  And of course, the One who gave her those words and thoughts to write.

We have two sickies in the house:  Sveta and I both have strep...well, Sveta does for sure...and I'm pretty sure that's what I'm battling.

Sveta highlights:

At church on Sunday during Worship, she was singing along...some words were unable to be figured out...but she was repeating "Jesus" and "power" (we sang "There is Power in the Blood"). Adorable.

She also said her own little prayer the other day...repeating what I said at lunch or dinner or some meal.

She's getting even better at her ABCs and says TONS of English words.  Yesterday at dinner she started singing "clean up" which I've only used I think once with her.

This week is REALLY busy for us...tonight I was supposed to go to a Pregnancy Care Center Banquet, but am not going to make it because of the sickness.  Sad. Tomorrow is church, and this weekend is the Jr. High 30 Hour Famine.

I'll write more when I have some energy.
Love you all.

A Path Home Continues...

So, the blog is about to change gears...I'm warning you.  This blog is no longer about Sveta's path home.  It's now about the Mortons path home (our eternal home): heaven.  Before you get all worried that we're going to die soon or something...let's be honest.  We are all on a path: life leads eventually to death.  And, we, as a family, live life for our God and not ourselves.

Insert cute Sveta story:: when we pray before meals, Sveta likes to pray twice.  Barry says "amen," so does Sveta, and then at some point she says, "adeen mozhna" which means "one more" and holds her little hands out to pray.

On this path of life, God has really been messing me up lately.  It started by finding and reading Jen Hatmaker's book 7 and now has continued as I've been reading My Utmost for His Highest as a devotional and Interrupted (also by Jen).  My thoughts aren't fully formed, but God's Spirit is stirring in me to live different.  To live changed.  To live as His completely sold out follower.

Here's my confession.  I've loved Jesus for a long time, but I like my comfort.  I like being an American Christian who isn't under threat of persecution or martyrdom.  I like having it "easy."  But, I can tell that God is calling me to something greater.  Something BIG.  He's asking me if I really love Him.

I feel like Peter who was asked 3 times if he loved Jesus.  Each time he answered "yes" and Jesus told him to "feed His lambs."  I'm trying to learn what it means to "feed His lambs."

I'm pretty sure it means to continue to fight for and share about adoption.  Sveta needs His food.  But, I'm also pretty positive it means feed the lambs that I don't want to feed too...the ones I'm not comfortable with...the ones that desperately need to know who Jesus is, and how much He loves them.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to any of you...maybe it does.  But, all I know is, this path isn't over.  A Path Home continues, but it's focus isn't adoption.  It's Jesus.  It always should have been Jesus.