Thursday, December 1, 2011


I received word this morning that most likely the hold up in us being able to be assigned a court date is due to the upcoming elections in Russia on Sunday, December 4th.  We are unsure about whether or not it is expected that the judge will be re-elected or not, but we are hoping that he is...simply because the change over between judges will most likely add time to our already excruciatingly long wait.  Please be praying that when V meets with the judge on Tuesday of next week that she will be met with favor and we'll receive a date to stand before the judge.

As we wait, we've been blessed by so many who are in support of us completely.  We appreciate each one of you, and your prayers.

I wanted to adapt and add to something I read not long ago from another adoptive mom who wrote about what adoptive parents need and don’t need from those supporting them during the wait. I’ve shorted it quite a bit and put it in my own words so it might be less offensive to some…but if you want to read the original blog that resounded with so much of me right now you can find it here:

Waiting is hard.  Really hard.  Every day I wake up, I realize that my little girl is waking from a nap, and preparing to eat dinner…a dinner that probably won’t fill her completely as is eerily similar to the lunch she ate earlier.  Then she will play alone, or with children that are younger than her, and she will go to bed: without a bedtime story, without a kiss on the forehead, without a prayer, without being tucked in by a loving parent.

Then I go through my day, and when I lay down at night I remember that our little Sveta is waking up, to another day of the same routine: breakfast, walk, lessons, lunch, nap, etc.  There’s little adventure, there’s little love, there’s little room for bonding with a person that loves her unconditionally.

So, in the midst of such difficulty, how do we remain “so strong” as some of you have put it.  Here’s the secret: we haven’t.  We’re losing it.  At least I’m losing it.  Tears, fits of anger, hurt and longing because we aren’t with our daughter, still.  How on earth can you help if we can’t even keep it together?  Here are some thoughts:

First, what NOT to do/say:
1.    “God’s timing is perfect!”  “He has a plan!” etc…While, we KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true, it’s not helpful to our hearts.  Our hearts are crying out that our little girl is without so much.  We need people to acknowledge how painful this journey is for us…and yet how rewarding it will be.  Event to say, “I have no idea what God is up to, and it has to be so hard to trust Him in this time…but keep the faith – He’s up to something” would be a better option.  It acknowledges God’s sovereignty and our pain too.
2.    “Are you going to have kids of your own?” or “I know about this couple who worked so hard on an adoption, and then they got pregnant so they stopped the process.”  Or anything of similar nature. 

Sveta is ours.  Even if we got pregnant, Sveta is ours.  And really, our decisions about how we choose to grow our family, are just that: our decisions. Thanks.

3.    Say nothing.  It’s like not talking about the giant elephant in the room.  Even if you aren’t sure what to say…say something.  A simple “we’re praying for you” if you really are, is an encouragement…or “you are in my thoughts.”  Or just hug us.  We need that some times.  I had a dear friend who asked how things were going…when I told her that Barry and I are dealing with the stress differently and that I have been baking a lot and then eating what I bake she had NO idea what to say.  So she got up and came over and hugged me.  And she simply said, “I didn’t know what to say, so I hugged you.”  It meant the world to me.
4.    Tell me horror stories of adoptions gone bad.  It’s like talking to a woman who is about to go into labor for the first time about the horrible birthing stories you’ve heard where women die, or are severely maimed by the process.  It’s just not kind…or needed…or helpful.  Thanks.

Second, what we’d LOVE to hear:

1.    Encourage us.  With real words from your heart…even if they are sloppy.  That’s our lives right now: sloppy.  We don’t need you to fix it, just to walk beside us in it.  Sometimes to just cry with us, pray with us, or bring us a latte because somehow that seems to make it less painful.
2.    We LOVE to talk about the adoption process, our story, and adoption as the heart of God.  Please ask questions!  We’d enjoy being able to talk about things.  It’s actually therapeutic…and we’re hoping you may choose to adopt one day too.
3.    Pray for us.  We need it.  Some days my prayer has been to simply repeat: “love is patient. Love is patient. Love is patient.”  Get on your knees for us.  Write a prayer email or text.  Anything is appreciated.
4.     It’s ok to ask what we need in the moment.  I realize that so often it is hard to read my mind of what I need: I need to talk, I don’t want to talk about it, etc.  So, if you’ve got time to offer ask: do you want to simply sit and talk about the wait? Or do you want to be distracted and get out and have fun for an hour? 

I hope this helps…and wasn’t offense.  Just trying to be honest.   I’d LOVE feedback, or other adoptive families additions to these lists!!


  1. Reading this caused me to share it with another couple who recently adopted and to add my apology for any insensitive stupid comment I may have made as I tried to support their journey.

  2. We love you and Barry and sveta sooo much! Please feel free to call and talk any time!